Current
Event: The Star Wars Sellout Debacle
by
Alissa Abner
Recent
news reports have revealed that Star Wars, the legendary
stories that have been subject to our fanatic adoration since 1977,
has been handed over to Disney in exchange for no less than 4 billion
$. Dorks everywhere have been buzzing ceaselessly since the
announcement, and I don't think I've heard a positive comment yet. I
can't say I've been looking optimistic about prospects myself.
“I'm
doing this so that the films will have longer life,” states George
Lucas, creator of Star Wars. Really now, George? I think we
all know you've been beating a dead horse since the infamous Jar Jar
Binks was introduced back in Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
Me-sa thinks you-sa has milked this for all it's worth (which comes
out to about 4 billion, apparently).
This buy
out also means the rights to the Indiana Jones now
belong to Disney. Didn't anyone learn their lesson from Kingdom
of the Crystal Skull? Not even
the lovely Shia Labeouf could save that mess. Let's face facts,
Harrison Ford is too old for action and the alien plot needed to stay
in a galaxy far far away where it belonged. Here's to hoping no more
of these movies are ever made, or heaven forbid it gets turned into a
cartoon, and old Indy can escape with at least a sliver of dignity.
We
now have to sit through three more movies following the adventures of
Luke, Leia, Hans Solo, and all the classic characters that captured
our nerdy hearts from movie one. It hasn't been said whether it'll
be a cartoon, or if they'll cast our favorite characters with new
actors. I don't know which would be worse, watching people attempt
to fill the shoes of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford,
or actually watching the three of them attempt to play the characters
in their old age. I shudder at the mere idea of either. The first
of this trilogy is scheduled to arrive in 2015, and that's only the
start. New movies are scheduled to be cranked out every
two years following, none of
which are written by George Lucas—he is merely “overseeing” all
scripts.
I
am of the opinion that George Lucas and the idiots at Disney need to
take a step back, recognize the error of their way, and personally
apologize to every fan whose childhood and/or favorite saga they are
about to ruin. George—we forgave you for Jar Jar Binks. We stood
loyally by when Episode II: Attack of the Clones was
entirely a love story with little-to-no fighting action. We even
pretended it was okay that Leia and Luke were revealed to be siblings
after they had sucked
face that one time. So, speaking for fans everywhere, do us a solid
and take back this nonsense—you totally owe us.
According
to an article from Discovery News, Lucas is pledging every cent of
his newly accustomed fortune to his foundation for furthering
education. Which is really cool, and I appreciate it and all, as
well as fully recognizing that it will go toward helping people
become smart so they can write us more awesome things like Star Wars;
but I'm also pretty sure Lucas is wealthy enough to do this kind of
thing anyway without selling out to Disney. I know I have bought
enough light sabers, action figures and movies to pitch in for the
cause. The sellout to Disney is simply an embarrassment, and will
only lead to more ridicule than Anakin's pod racer in Phantom
Menace, when the mean kids made
fun of it.
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